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Truths

f r o z e n

I’m going to invite y’all a little deeper into my life.  I am THE proverbial kid in a candy store.  Three and a half years ago I moved back to Austin to work full time in my parent’s long standing store, Wild About Music, in that time we have opened a fashion boutique, Austin Rocks Tx, acquired Toy Joy, and are working hard on yet another store slated to open in a few days.  It should also be stated that I have the self control of, well, a two year old.  Every bright and shiny piece of clothing or now, toy, that comes through our stores, finds its way into my hands.  Regardless of the fact that I by no means need it, and in most cases, can’t really afford it.  Yup, here I am airing my dirty laundry for all who wish to read.

In our current environment of facebook, instagram and pinterest, I am faced hourly, or maybe minute-ly? with an onslaught of needing more.  More babies, more clothes, more decor, more more more.  In the course of trying to keep up with the Joneses I’ve racked up quite a bit of debt, and now that actual things I need are arising, such as a car, dental work, and another baby (yes, I do need one 😉 ) I can’t afford it because I still haven’t paid for some things that I bought in college.  It’s quite overwhelming, and it may sound light hearted here, but it is weighing heavily right now as I try to figure out this whole adult thing that’s happening.  And so, I have elected to put myself on a spending freeze.  Originally, I was only going to do a month and see where that got me.  But let’s be honest, it will get me just about nowhere.  In doing research I came upon andthenwesaved.com, the author knocked out her debt in one year due to eliminating frivolous spending.  And so, from here on out I. will. not. buy. clothes. eat/drink out. or, brace yourselves, go to goodwill every. week. for the duration of this year.

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My first step was to outline all of my debt and percentage rates, then make a list of all the things I’m unable to do/have and finally a list of  items I must pay for monthly, and those that I will be cutting out.  I’m sure there are many more, but this remains with me at all times and so I will continue to add to it, and refer to it when I’m feeling weak.  This is going to be extremely challenging for me, I’ve already failed twice as I’ve had to work late and hadn’t planned a dinner, but I did succeed in keeping my dinner’s around $3 vs. the normal $10 of a downtown meal, and paid cash.  My plan is to do the best I can, and document things here to keep me honest.  I will have some hiccups but I’ll take any and all victories I can get.  So, here we go, wish me luck, and maybe a little good fortune.

M A M A

Doiron calls me “mama” and as of this week sometimes just “ma,” hearing this sound out of his mouth melts my heart every time.  There’s this new book out, I’ve heard the author interviewed several times on different platforms “All Joy and No Fun” I haven’t read it yet, and I don’t think I will.  Sure being a parent means I don’t go out every week with my girlfriends and miss out on many things others describe as “fun” but this, motherhood, is what I was made for (and running a few kick ass stores).  Apparently there are studies out there showing that people with children are less happy, and that may be true for some, and that’s ok.  But I feel fully confident in saying that nothing has made me happier than having two sticky hands wrap around my neck and two drooly lips pucker for a kiss.  Ironic, I suppose, that I’m now going to share this video that made me bawl like a little baby.  And yes, some of them were from sadness, but mostly they are tears of disbelief that I get to experience the love of a mother which comes in many shapes and from many circumstances, but nonetheless a love that some may never feel.  Enjoy this short film, and take what you will from it, for me, I take away a feeling of gratitude for every. single. bit. of my life. (even the credit card debt).  Thanks for visiting, Je t’aime.

 

 

P U D G E

Doiron has a new favorite toy.  My stomach, and as of last night the parts of my stomach that he discovered wrap around to my back.  He loves to lift my shirt, blow raspberries, grab it by the handful, knead it . . . . and I LOVE it.  I’ve always been self conscious of my stomach, which hasn’t been flat since I was seven years old, but then I got pregnant and it was my absolute favorite part of my body.  I felt like a goddess, even when stretch marks started to encircle my belly button, I thought it was marvelous.  After Doiron was born, the weight just fell off with the help of breastfeeding and occasional yoga, last summer I weighed less than I did when I graduated high school and I proudly wore a bikini displaying my tiger-belly.  However, now that Doiron is no longer breastfeeding and there’s this amazing bakery around the corner from my store with the BEST peanut butter cookies, the pounds have snuck back up on me. I’m ok with the fact that I may never have a flat belly, I want to be healthy and active for my family but I also don’t want to shame my body into trying to fit someone else’s shape.  I’ve been following this 4th trimester bodies project for sometime and I’ve just discovered they are coming to Austin in April, and I’m hoping to get involved as it speaks to everything I believe and is just. so. beautiful.  At the very least I can’t wait to own a copy of the final book, so please take time to check out and maybe support such an important message and support the women around you to believe in themselves and the amazing things their body can do.  As Ina May famously said, Your Body Is Not A Lemon.

 

 

80 Weeks Postpartum

80 Weeks Postpartum

Pardonner et Oublier

Pumpkin PatchAre we seriously already into the second half of October already!?  It’s been flying by with gorgeous cool weather and lots going on after two weekends of ACL fest and flooding rain and pumpkin patches and little league games, and getting ready for a trip to LA in TEN DAYS where we’ll be visiting with family and taking D to Disney Land for the first time, we’re sooooo excited!!!!!!!  But with all of this going on, not only have I forgotten to note any memories here but also, completely. forgot. my. anniversary.  If it wasn’t for facebook, I’m not sure I would have ever remembered, but there I was on my lunch break, checking out my news feed and I was reminded of a few acquaintance’s birthdays and Tegi Hahn’s Wedding Anniversary, “eh who cares” I thought to myself, “wait, what!?”

My husband and I both had to work late that night, my shift being a double . . . so at the end of the night I called in an order to Stubbs (which has somehow escaped my BBQ repertoire my entire life) and swept by the babysitters (my amazing babysitter who also pulled a double watching my babe along with her 3) to get my precious sweet baby boy whom I adore.

Except, all of the sudden, this kid does not want to go to bed.  We got home around ten, snuggled and nursed, he fell asleep in my arms right as my husband got home, we went to lay him in his crib and Doiron, lost it.  Screaming “No000” and “Owwwww” and just plain screaming.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was against the “crying it out” method.  I want my son to feel comfortable and confident in his sleeping quarters and not feel abandoned, or worse, have there be something actually wrong and I’m just ignoring his cries for help.  When he’s sick and he cries I get him immediately and bring him to bed where he can nurse as often as he needs to soothe his ails.  But this always results in him thinking any time he wakes up now he can come cuddle with mommy, which I honestly kind of love, but it does making sleeping soundly a bit more difficult on all of us.  So Bryan, bless him, has to be the enforcer and literally put himself between me and our son.

So there we were on our third wedding anniversary, sitting on the living room floor, eating cold bbq to the sounds of our almost two year old screaming bloody murder.  Oh, but, I can’t forget to mention the fantastic gift my hubby crafted me, my very first coupon book!  Next day off we have, I’m cashing in the one where he takes care of D all day, and I’m finally painting my bedroom!When I was in elementary school, my favorite bedtime stories were those of my mother’s childhood or my own where in the moment our mothers were not laughing, but now our stomachs hurt and tears rolled down our faces from laughing so hard (ie: the time my mom cut her bedsheets to be sure they were straight across the top of her bed, or the time my sister locked me in the bathroom with the lights off and thought she had killed me as I slammed my two year old self against the door trying to get out) maybe this will be one of those stories.  I’m already chuckling at it now . . . but it certainly wasn’t romantic.  Not to mention that though we eventually won the battle of the beds that night, once we finally got in our own bed, up strolled our fat cat Diz who plopped himself in the spot Doiron would have been and stretched out victoriously.

So there it is y’all, my third wedding anniversary . . . no leather gifts, no fancy dinners, no celebratory vacations . . . and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I am so happily content with my life right now, I may moan about not being able to buy anything I want, or take more vacations, but when I close my eyes and breathe I remember that I’m doing exactly what I’ve wanted since the first day I met Bryan, living in a house full of love and hearty baby giggles, with a few screams on the side.

Truth Be Told

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I’ve been a little, lets say hyper, lately.  Wishing I could buy more expensive clothes and shoes for Doiron, maybe me too, wishing I could do more things to my house, wishing I could get pregnant again.  Maybe discontent is a better word, which makes me so angry, because I have a pretty awesome life.  Some of this discontent comes from surfing the blogosphere and comparing myself to the many amazing women writing out there, ok, a lot of the discontent.  But on the same hand there is so much inspiration to be found, if I could only step back, breathe, and take the positive and leave the negative self doubting thoughts floating in the cloud.  So that’s what I intend to do.  This is a free calendar that an amazing artist Oana Befort offers on her blog, not only am I enamored with her work, but she has fantastic posts featuring her baby boy and life in Romania.  I love to set her calendars as my desktop background for a little ounce of happy while I’m working, I can’t wait to see October’s.

I recently discovered a high school friend of mine has a beautiful blog as well, Kimber is expecting a baby girl so my envy of her is about to increase, but meanwhile she just posted a little exercise called taking stock.  It’s a fantastic little list to help ground yourself and pool all of those millions of thoughts into something tangible.  So here is mine, please share yours too, it’s so comforting to see what others are experiencing . . . à trouver un équilibre

Taking Stock

Making . . . a home

Cooking . . . real home cooked meals, mostly vegetarian

Drinking . . . The last of our Deep Eddy Ruby Red Vodka, transitioning to White Mocha Spice Latte’s

Reading . . . Twilight, actually I’m listening to it in the car

Wanting . . . a baby girl

Looking . . . for fall colors (doesn’t really happen here)

Playing  . . . Etta James all the time, and with Trucks . . . all the time

Wasting . . . energy on things out of my control

Sewing . . . I’ve had fabric for pillow cases sitting in the trunk of my car for about two months now

Wishing . . .for it to get cold, and stay cold.

Enjoying . . . too many cookies from the new cafe around the corner

Waiting . . . to have a baby girl

Liking . . . rediscovering Texas with my family

Wondering. . . what will happen tomorrow

Loving . . . watching my husband watching my son, so much love there.

Hoping . . . for financial stability

Marveling . . . at the success of our new store

Needing . . . to continue and build on that success

Smelling . . . Christmas tree candles, all year

Wearing . . . my glasses more and more

Following . . . my toddler everywhere

Noticing . . . every millimeter Doiron grows

Knowing . . . I am lucky

Thinking . . . way too much

Starting . . . a new website for my store

Bookmarking . . . way too many blogs for my own good

Opening  . . . boxes upon boxes of fall clothing *cha-ching*

Giggling . . . when Doiron is naughty,  trying. so. hard. not. to.

Feeling. . . kinda overwhelmed, but determined.

 

 

i heart midwives

i got a sweet surprise when i got home from work today. not only did my sister make a delicious dinner, but i got my first gift for supporting the birth story kickstarter campaign! i still haven’t seen the movie but I’m going on January 22, and my second gift for supporting it will be a copy of the DVD, which i’ll receive in may.

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that being said…baby fever is stirring up! but hopefully the birth of a new nephew in february will suffice. bryan and i have a few goals we would like to meet before we try for our zehla doris….stable careers, our own house, etc. but i ache to be pregnant again, it was marvelous, i felt healthy and beautiful, and that’s a whole other post. i do plan on writing my birth story soon, until then here is a picture from that amazing night. here’s the inspiring Debra Day, one of four amazing midwives i was blessed to experience, weighing my brand new baby boy.

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Hug your babies

today’s news rendered me speechless. i was sitting in my stores offsite christmas booth when my step brother told me there was another shooting. my heart skipped a beat, then i had to smile for the customers. once there was a clearing i hunted for details, kindergartners. my eyes swelled with tears, then more customers and more forced smiles. i worked for the next eight hours not allowing myself to think about it, then during the last hour of my shift i could barely recite change to my customers without my voice cracking. a mother came in the booth with her two children, a boy and girl, i’m guessing around 4 and 5. she was the most tender loving mom I’ve seen in a while, hugging and caressing and kissing her children every time they were near enough, my whole body ached for my baby. when they whined because they weren’t getting presents she held them and reminded them christmas is a week away, when they wanted to sign her credit card receipt, she let them sign under her name.

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these children will never doubt that their mother loves them. and neither will doiron. there will be boundaries and he will get in trouble, but i will always speak on his level and there will ALWAYS be hugs and kisses. the minute i shut my car door i whaled for all of the babies who, in the words of our president “had their innocence ripped away from them too soon” and the ones who had their lives ripped away from them too soon, and the mommies who had their babies ripped away from them too soon. not just in Connecticut but everywhere. i have never loved anyone so fiercely as i love my son and the thought of life without him leaves me numb and heartbroken. i am unfairly lucky in the fact that i don’t have to stay in this baby-less universe, and too many tonight do. all i can do is live the life i’ve been granted, and cherish every wonderful moment i have, because tomorrow i may not be this lucky. and so i leave you with this. i wanted to capture the warm greeting i receive every night in hopes that it might warm your wounded soul and help us all to focus on the beautiful parts of this world that exist. dieu vous bénisse et bonne nuit.

Mommies

it’s amazing what a night of sleep and a chat with your mommy will do for your spirits. all optimism has returned this morning and i’m so excited for the possibilities of our future. doiron and i woke up early enough to go for one of our walks and play in the park. my greatest joy right now is watching him play and discover new things, he’s very into figuring out what he can stuff inside other things. i’m constantly finding little presents, like the baby moccasin and tube of chapstick in my boot this morning. i only hope that doiron always feels a sense of comfort in my presence and that i am able to ease his worries, as my mom has always done for me. i can’t believe i get to call myself a mom….

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oh world…you just keep spinning

there are so many amazing things and people in our lives, and some days you have to repeat them to yourself over and over again. it will be fine, I know it will, but damn can it be fine yet, not just for me but everyone? I cant help but feel optimistic about the future, but right now I need some spectacular, i mean NOW. anybody got some to share? Seriously, tell me something amazing! 

my amazing is my little man and the pouty face he makes when I sternly say “no biting” and then a minute later he’s cuddling and laughing….we went through this cycle three times tonight I think he got it, tomorrow will tell. tomorrow.

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